August 27, 2019 / 2 Comments
“Being too nice? It may be worth thinking twice”
August 27, 2019 / 2 Comments
“If you think this Universe is bad, you should see some of the others.”
Philip K. Dick
Miscellaneous From Life
Humor- Compiled and Translated
***Two of the kind…
There was a young man from Trinity,
Who solved the square root of infinity.
While counting the digits, He was seized by the fidgets,
Dropped science, and took up divinity.
There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night. ***
We asked in several countries the following question:
“Please, what is your opinion on the lack of food in other parts of the world? “
The result was disastrous:
In Africa, no one knew what “food” is.
In Western Europe, nobody knew what “shortage” is.
In Eastern Europe, no one knew what “your opinion” is.
In South America, they did not know what “please” is.
In the U.S. they did not know what “in other parts of the world” is.
And then do surveys …
At the first moment of the Communist Party meeting, the building falls down and kills all the comrades. The Soviet Union’s experts arrive to investigate:
The supplier is located, they arrive at the warehouse, and interrogation starts.
They begin with Brick:
“Brick are you at fold?”
“Me, red Brick, burnt in Russia, how could I be?”
They, therefore, move towards the Sand, threatening:
“Sand, you sure must be at the fold.”
“How could I be, me, yellow Sand, by communist’s hands sifted?”
Finally, investigators go for Cement.
But Cement already shouts at them from afar:
“Don’t blame me for it, I was not even there.”
Imagine, it’s summer, you and I alone, half-naked, sweaty. Sun bakes our hot bodies, we could only hear the nearby murmur of the brook, two of us side by side…digging up potatoes…
Sir, you are asking for my advice. I read the manuscript of your novel and I can responsibly say: Eat more fish! It contains phosphorus, which in the opinion of doctors helps to develop intelligence. I suppose that two medium-sized whales would suffice.
In the school cafeteria, a student sat next to the professor, who said: “The pig does not deserve to sit with a swan.”
The student got up with an answer: “So I am flying.”
Which, of course, annoyed the professor and he decided to “give it” to the student at the tests.
Unfortunately for him, the student answered all questions correctly. So he gives him the last question:
“If you could choose from two bags, one with gold, the second with a reason, which would you choose?”
The student after a while says that he would take the gold. Professor said triumphantly:
“Well, you see, I would choose the one with the intellect.”
A student does not hesitate: “But sure, everyone chooses what he is missing.”
The professor was so upset that he writes on the student’s test IDIOT and sends him off. The student leaves without looking at the review but soon returns with the question:
“Professor, although you wrote your signature here, you didn’t grade my test.
“Hey honey, you’re at the gym? “asks the woman.
“Yes, I am” replies the man with a poisoned voice, do you need something?
“That’s great! I just wanted to tell you, the fur that was for 150 000 thousand is being discounted to 80, so could I buy it?” begs a woman.
“Yes, you can.”
“Oh, you are so good!. And you know how we wanted to go to Seychelles and it seemed to us for half a million too expensive? So they just discounted it to 400 thousand. What do you think? Should I take it? “
” Okay, but only with a full board,” mutters a man.
“Yeah, I’ll take care of it. And when you are in such a good mood, I’m just standing before the building of the Mercedes and you know how we looked at the S-Klasse for 3 million? Imagine, they discounted it to two million. Should I get it right now?”
“Yes, but only with a silver metallic,” says a man, quite annoyed.
“Yes, lucky us, they have it today available in silver.
So it is just super and you are so precious today! So long, “the female whispers with a sweet voice and puts down a mobile.
The man at the gym with an overhead lifted telephone yells: “Hey guys, do you know whose cell phone this is?”
ADMISSION TO THE MADHOUSE
Admission test to the madhouse. During a visit to a madhouse, the visitor asks the director by what criteria will be decided whether someone will be either closed in or not.
The director explains:
“Well, we would fill the bathtub with water and give to candidate spoon, cup, and a bucket and ask him to empty the bathtub.”
The visitor said:
“Oh, I understand…a normal person takes a bucket to make it go faster, right?”
“No, a normal person pulls a plug …
Would you like a room with a balcony or not? “
LET YOUR BOSS SPEAK FIRST
Salesman, cashier and their boss go together for lunch. Along the way, they find an old nice lamp and when they start wiping it, there appears a genie.
“I will realize for each of you one wish,” genie thunders.
“Me first, me first! “, call the seller with a cashier.
“Just state your wishes,” said the genie.
“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a fast sports boat and have no worries,” says the salesman.
Poof – and the salesman is gone.
“I would like to sunbathe in Hawaii with my lover, get a hand massage, and have a constant supply of pina Coladas.” says the cashier.
Poof – and the clerk is gone.
“Now’s your turn,” the genie turns to the boss.
“I want those two back before lunch break ends,” says the boss.
Lessons learned: Let your boss always speak first.
Two Irish nuns landed in America after a long boat trip and one says to another:
“I heard that in this country people eat dogs.”
“Yes, it is strange, but we decided to live in this country and so we’ll eat what Americans eat.”
When they left the harbor they went right away to the first street vendor who had written on his cart: HOT DOGS.
“Two hot dogs, please,” said the Mother Superior.
The salesman carefully packed the goods required. Nuns paid and both rushed to a nearby park and eagerly unpacked the food. Mother Superior began to blush, then leaned over to the other sister and said, “Listen, what part of the dog did you get?”
American visits socialistic Prague and seeing the long line before a shop front, he asks what it means. This is the queue for the bananas, says a guide.
American: “Well, I myself would rather buy them.”
(my note: he should have seen a queue for meat on Saturdays…)
WHERE IS IT?
Cop: “Where did you hide the money?”
Translator: “Where did you hide the money?”
Thief: “I will not say”
Translator: “He will not say.”
Cop: “If you don’t tell, we’ll lock you up.”
Translator: “If you don’t tell, they ‘lock you up.”
Thief: “I will not say”
Translator: “He will not say.”
Cop: “If you don’t tell, we’ll shoot you.”
Translator: “When you don’t tell they’ll shoot you.”
Thief: “Under the kitchen floor.”
Translator: “He will not say.”
The man and his wife go camping. They build a tent and in the evening went to sleep. After some time man wakes up and also wakes up his wife and says:
“Look at the sky and tell me what you see?”
Woman: “I see millions of stars.”
Man: “And what do you say to this?”
The woman thinks a moment and then says;
“Seen in terms of astronomy, there are millions of galaxies and trillions of possible planets. Astrology tells me that Saturn is in conjunction with Leo. As far as time is concerned, I assume that we have about 3 a.m. and a few minutes. Theologically… that our Lord is omnipotent and we are all just trivial nothings. Meteorologically it tells me that we’ll have a beautiful day tomorrow. Well, what say you? “
Man: “Practically seen, somebody stole our tent.”
Two blonds made a trip into the forest to capture the Christmas tree. They go by spinney, calling on each other:
“Do you have it?”
“I do not.”
“I do not either!”
They became very tired and so climbed to the clearing, and one breathes:
” Bad luck, looks like we’ll probably have to cut a tree without decorations!”
An older man visits a doctor:
“Doctor, I have two broken ribs.”
“And how did that happen to you?” asks a doctor.
“I’ll tell you the truth, doc. It came spring, so I jumped on the bed where already lay my wife, but somehow I misjudged the distance. I had to jump a second time and from the last effort, also after doing my duty after 6 months. I was exhausted so that I fell to the ground and suffered this injury. But frankly, doctor, I am a person understanding. Here’s the envelope, notice how stuffed it is, so you will not come to harm. I need you to write it as a work accident.”
The doctor picked up the envelope, fingered, peered, then slipped it into his pockets in deep thought.
“Here I read the card that you are working in agriculture.” “Yes, in crop production.”
“You know, I hate to lie, and to lie in the medical report, it would be additionally a fraud. On the other hand, I would like to help you…you giving me your money.”
“I see, it doesn’t fit together. Either you have to lie and cheat, or not to accommodate me” said a man.
“You think so?” The doctor smiled mischievously, then took a pen and wrote: “When sowing seed he fell from an older machine.”
Every morning rooster proudly enters the henhouse. He tenderly kisses nine out of ten hens, but from the tenth, he pulls a feather. So it goes day after day. After two weeks tenth of the hens has had enough and confronted a rooster by standing in his path and angrily shouting at him:
“Every morning you kiss my nine friends, but every time you pull one of my feathers, what does that mean?” But Cock quietly whispers in her ear: “You, I want to see naked, baby.”
APARTMENT FOR SALE
The blond walks down the street and sees an ad placed on the lamp: “Selling 2 +1 apartment.”
So blond is knocking, knocking, and nothing!
The cop passes by and says:
“My God, why are you knocking on this lamp?”
“Oh, here I see an advertisement – selling 2 +1, so I knock, knock, and no one answers.”
A cop said: “Try it again, above the lights are on now.”
Blond calls her husband on the phone:
“Honey, I need to speak with you.”
“Well, what is it?”
“Well, I have bought it in the store … how’s it’s called … well, a puzzle.”
“So what about it?”
“I can not put it together”
“Come on, how is it that you can’t put the puzzle together?
The box must have a picture on?”
“Yes, it has.”
“So, now, what is that picture?” “There are just a few letters, teddy bears, and there is a bowl and spoon milk too …”
“Oh, dear, you most likely don’t set that up together, these are the corn flakes.”
On the plane from Ireland found themselves side by side a young woman and a priest. After a moment a woman dared to address the priest: “Father, may I ask you a favor?”
“But surely, my daughter. What can I do for you?”
“Well … you know, I bought for my mother’s birthday expensive hairdryer. It is still in a box packed. But it would hopelessly exceed the duty-free. So they would definitely deny it to me. Could you please take it through for me, maybe under your robe?”
“Oh, my daughter … I’ll help you. But I warn you: I will not lie!”
“But with your honest face, Father … no one would ask for anything either!” Deal!
After landing, a woman and a priest came to the counter.
And it was said: “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “Well, from the crown of my head to my waist anything …”
“What a strange answer,” the officer said – so he asks again:
“So what you have to declare from the waist to the floor?”
“Well… amazing device designed to make women happy … but still unused!”
“Christ! Go, Father … Next!”
Three very old sisters are living in a common house. One evening the oldest sister filled a bathtub in the bathroom on the first floor and carefully climbed into it. But suddenly she stopped and called to her sister:
“Do you know, if wanted to crawl into the bathtub or get out of it already?”
The second sister calls:
“I do not know, but I come up and see!” In the middle of the staircase, she stops and exclaims:
“Did I want to go up or down?”
The youngest sister in the lobby was drinking tea, listening to the older sisters. She shakes her head, then knocks on the table and says:
“I have to knock on a wood, I do hope that I will not end up such as my sisters …”
Then calls to them:
“You sclerotic! I’ll be right with you, just look who knocked at the door”…”
MICE IN LOVE
Two mice met: “What’s wrong with you?”
“Oh, I’m so in love, here is a photo.”
“Come on, that’s a bat!”
“What a jerk! And he told me he’s pilot.”
An old Arab lived for over forty years in Chicago. He loved to be in his garden, grew potatoes and vegetables, but now he is getting already old and weak. His son is studying in Paris and the father decides to write him an e-mail:
“Dear Ahmed, I am very sad that I can’t grow potatoes in my garden anymore. I know that if you’d be here, you would help me with digging in my garden. I love you. Your father.
“In return, he receives a reply: “Dear Father, please, never do any digging in the garden! I hid there ‘that thing!’ I love you too. Ahmed.
“Just a few hours later the house of an old man has been surrounded by the U.S. military, sailors, the FBI and CIA. They are digging, turning the garden upside down, bit by bit, looking at each millimeter, but finding nothing. Disappointed, again they have withdrawn.
The same day the old man receives another e-mail from his son:
“Dear Father, surely now the garden is completely prepared for planting your potatoes. From such a distance I can’t do more for you. I love you. Ahmed.”
TALK ON A PLANE
The man gets on a plane and finds that he was seated next to a cute blond. Immediately turns around and makes a “first step”. “You know,” he says, “I heard that the flight runs better if you talk to a neighboring passenger. Let’s talk then.”
The blond, who just opened the book, closes it slowly and says to the man:
“What would you like to talk about?”
“Hmm, I don’t know,” says the man, “what about renewable energy?”
“OK,” says the blond, “it might be an interesting topic. But first, let me ask you something.
A horse, cow, and deer eat the same thing – grass. However, deer exclude small ball, cow big wet pancake, and a horse nearly dry doughnut. Why do you think that is?”
The man is impressed. But after a while, he replies: “I have no idea.”
“So tell me then,” replies the blond, “how could you feel you are good for the debate on renewable sources if you do not understand a shit!”
I do hope, you spent your last few minutes in a pleasing mood and even attempted smile…Did you? If yes, you made me happy, if not, well, the next visitor might. You know, I believe not all are dark clouds.
Well, I hope you had a little fun and perhaps I compile another set one day. Just time is my enemy, being so busy and still have so much to bring…
Wishing you Happy Days always!
And now a closing time will do for me my favored Leonard Cohen:
Great day, stay lively and happy!
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